How it couldv'3 b33n
by Lt. Goresby-Purrviss
Summary: A retelling of Homestuck with my fan-human inserted. WARNING-Karkat/OC slash eventually! Also, some things may differ from canon information. But I'll try to keep it low.
1. Chapter 1

AN-Yeah, most of my other stories are kinda…dead. This one might not fare as bad, though, since I am now OBSESSED with Homestuck.

Hussie, you evil bastard…

Anyway, this story and its protagonist belong to me. Homestuck to Huss-ji. The rest of the stuff-look it up!

==-Introductions are in order.

Standing alone in his room, a silver haired boy looks mischievously around. Today, April 13th, is exactly one day after his kids 13th birthday, and his time has come to-

==-What are you..?

Where did you hide that game? Kimonos don't have pockets!

==-Put it down!

You can play whatever that is after we get to know you.

==-Try this again…

Your name is RYUNOSOKE KATANJI, or as your friends call you, ANDERS DYSLEY, THE PRIMARCH.

Wow, you really love video games, anime, music, stuff like that.

Various gaming systems are scattered all over the place. A lot of them are mobile systems-you love having one on you at all times. The various game cards have managed to get into some of the weirdest places…Anyway, out of your gaming love, you've decorated the place with memorabilia of your favorite characters, heroes and villains alike. Good or evil, so long as they don't suck, you could give a shit less. Openness is your middle name. That might also be why you describe your taste in music as, in your own words, "Anything that I think doesn't suck."

==-Listen to country album

The look of shock on your face tells me yes. FULL BLAST!

==-Man, this is-GACHKT

Headshot after evisceration. How fun. Gotta find a new narrator now. For now, you're on pause.

I/Lt. G-P:Wow..this is going to b3 a BITCH to typ3 out… Oh w3ll… FYI-Authors not3s will b3 typ3d in my quirk from now on… So th3r3… And sinc3 this do3sn'''t m33t th3 375 word r3quir3m3nt,,, I'''m going to shar3 a th3ory I hav3 on god ti3r… And without th3 quirk!

We know to reach God Tier, you have to die on the quest bed of your associated aspect. But, since dream bubbles are memories given form, could you use a memory of, say, a Time quest bed to make a Time player ascend? Or does it have to be the quest bed found-

I/Lt. G-P:And that'''s all you g3t… For now,,, anyway!


	2. Chapter 2

I/Lt. G-P-I'''m back! Continuing with this story,,, and sharing my twist3d h3ad canon with anyon3 who r3ads this has b3com3 my r3ason to liv3..

Anyway,,,th3 own3rship of stuff hasn'''t chang3d from th3 last chapt3r…

So,,,3njoy if you can!

==-Unpause

Ok, with a new, immortal narrator, you're finally ready to move on. But wait, it seems the last guy didn't get all of your info!

==-What did we miss?

Well, for starters, you missed the abundance of mythology books on the shelf. You tend to lean towards the myths concerning deities, especially if they are graceful. But you keep space for books on mystical treasures. Like the IMPERIAL REGALIA of your homeland. The YATA NO KAGAMI mirror hangs with care above your bookshelf. The YASAKANI NO MAGATAMA gem hangs from your neck. It always does. Always.

Covering the final treasure later, let's move on. On your other wall, your collection of VIDEO GAME BASED WEAPONS are displayed with pride. You and your sister(who is hardly ever around) made them using funds you hacked out of banks worldwide. You like to consider yourself the hacker of your group. But you only got to be such an amazing hacker because you had an awesome teacher.

==-Answer teacher

Well, speak of the fucking devil!

twinArmageddons[TA] began trolling arbitratingGodkiller[AG]

TA:hey, a22hole.

AG:Why h3llo,,, Mr…Captor! And how is my d3ar Moirail doing on this fin3 day?

TA:ii'd be better iif thii2 wa2n't the day you diick2 doom everything.

AG:Ah y3s,,, that.. You still won'''t t3ll m3 how w3 fuck 3v3rything up so badly…

AG:Mind 3xplaining now?

TA:ii told you already: you fucktard2 create a demon. he 2omehow got iinto our 2e22ion, and now he'2 tryiing two kiill u2 all whiile we hiide out on thii2 Jegu2 for2aken rock.

TA:iit'2 amaziing. you are 2o 2mart, yet you can't under2tand the word2 enteriing your vii2iion receptor2.

TA:gog damn aliien2…

AG:But as you,,,and th3 oth3r Trolls hav3 3xplain3d it,,,th3r3 ar3 going to b3 a lot of monst3rs in th3 gam3 s3ssion w3'''r3 about to play…

AG:But from what I can gath3r on my own,,,that'''s normal for 3ach and 3v3ry s3ssion of this gam3 that'''s 3v3r b33n play3d…

AG:What I want to know is,,,how do my fri3nds and I mak3 this murd3rous,,,omnicidal d3mon that'''s curr3ntly hunting you guys?

TA:how the fuck 2hould ii know?! all ii know ii2 that iit came from your 2hiity a2 fuck 2e22ion.

AG:But how did it g3t to your s3ssion in th3 first plac3? I know your group kinda cr3at3d my univ3rse… And that you would b3 h3r3 if this damn d3mon hadn'''t app3ar3d out of nowh3r3 and compl3t3ly d3stroy3d your way in h3r3…

AG:And it'''s n3arly impossibl3 to 3nt3r anoth3r univ3rs3 without a door lik3 that…

AG:I know b3caus3 I'''v3 b33n trying to find a way for y3ars now…

AG:If I had found one,,,I'''d alr3ady b3 th3r3 to giv3 you a Moirail hug,,,th3n tak3 my Mat3sprit som3wh3r3 qui3t and alon3 for som3…

AG:'''Bonding'''…

AG:H3h3h3…

TA:and with that 2cariing iimage, ii am 2o fuckiing done here. have fun wiith your delu2iion2, a22hole.

AG:And you with yours,,,Mr…Captor…

AG:Au r3voir!

twinArmageddons[TA] ceased trolling arbitratingGodkiller[AG]

I/Lt. G-P:And I think that'''s a good plac3 to stop for now… S33 you n3xt tim3,,,r3ad3rs! Don'''t forg3t to comm3nt on th3 story,,,3v3n if you hat3 it! Your hatr3d only mak3s me strong3r!

P...S...:::Gonna publish this chapt3r twic3,,,s33 if th3 t3xt coloring thing work3d...


	3. N3WSFLASH

N3WSFLASH!

I/Lt. G-P: Ok,,, so appar3ntly color3d font do3s NOT carry ov3r from Word to FF.n3t… My bad for not knowing… Anyway,,, if som3on3 DO3S know how to do such a thing,,, PM m3 with th3 d3tails…

Sinc3r3ly,,, Lt. Gor3sby-Purrviss/Illua


	4. Chapter 3

Lt. G-P/I: W3ll,,, aft3r figuring out that I CAN'''T us3 color t3xt on FF.n3t(((which wouldv'''3 mad3 this story WAY mor3 fun))) h3r3'''s my att3mpt at a third chapt3r! Enjoy!

==- Arm yourself

Now that that guy's out of your hair, you should really set about preparing for the upcoming game you're about to play with your friends. And with your well stocked Strife Portfolio, you could equip every weapon imaginable!

==- What are you going to use?

After much thought and deliberation (not really), you equip the BLAZEFIRE SABRE gunblade! You would admit this to no one, but this particular weapon took you longer to master than any weapon before. But with your big sisters help (on those increasingly rare days she was around) you had painstakingly learned all the ins and outs of this tricky piece of machinery. Now you're able to wield a gun and sword, all in one Strife Specibus!

==- Equip the-

Oh, looks like one of your friends is dying to chat with you. Understandable, really. You are a rather charming individual, if you say so yourself. Which you do. All the time.

==- Answer

TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering arbatratingGodkiller [AG]

TT: Bonjour, Mousier Katanji.

AG: Good aft3rnoon,,, Ros3… And pl3as3,,, no n33d to sp3ak th3 languag3 of my curr3nt hom3…

AG: Though I may b3 a boy from Japan living in th3 pictur3squ3 Fr3nch Countrysid3,,, I f33l no n33d to sp3ak the languag3 of 3ith3r nation…

AG: Pl3as3,,, f33l fr33 as a bird to sp3ak in any toung3 you wish,,, 3v3n if it is on3 you mad3 up yours3lf…

TT: Thank you, Mr. Dysley. My level of worry over the possibility of offending your cultural identity has dropped to a level so low as to be unable to be expressed by any mathematical system to have ever existed.

AG: -AD^oo

AG: In plac3 of a prop3r way to typ3 th3 symbol for infinity,,, l3t that 3quation (((and it'''s shitty 3moticon infinity))) s3rv3 as th3 3xpr3ssion of your l3v3l of worry about my cultural id3ntity…

TT: I suppose it will have to do.

TT: For now, at least.

==- Get on with it!

AG: Ok,,, aft3r s3nding that conv3rsation to Th3 Void (((wh3r3 it rightfully b3longs))) I must ask onc3 again…

AG: Ar3 w3 all cl3ar on th3 ord3r of s3rv3r and cli3nt play3rs for our upcoming gam3 of dir3 importanc3?

TT: Yes, I am aware.

TT: Correct me if I am wrong, but it should go: Rose - John - Jade - Dave - Anders.

TT: It then proceeds to loop around to where I am your client player.

TT: Is that a fairly accurate description?

AG: No,,, Ros3…

AG: Its absolut3ly corr3ct!

AG: Spot on,,, Mad3mois3ll3 Ros3! Fantastico!

TT: You are slipping into a completely new language. I was not even aware you knew Italian.

AG: A g3ntl3man must b3 w3ll v3rs3d in s3v3ral languag3s,,, no matt3r what he fanci3s for a partn3r…

AG: Not that you'''r3 not b3autiful and int3llig3nt,,, a d3adly combination for any lady,,, but I pr3f3r my soul mat3s to b3…

AG: Angry ;) ;) ;)

TT: Your praise and awkward tangent aside, I have a bit of doubt when it comes to the validity of your sources when it comes to intelligence.

TT: IE, the 'Trolls'.

TT: And so, to appease my own aching, if redundant, curiosity, did you get all the information used to plan this from the Trolls?

AG: Why y3s ind33d,,, Ros3… My vast amount of information,,, and th3r3for3 this plan its3lf,,, cam3 3ntir3ly from our Troll fri3nds!

AG: Nam3ly-apocalypseArisen, twinArmaggedons, and carcinoGeneticist 3 3 3

AG: And 3v3ry now and again,,, from som3 of th3 Trolls I find…l3ss than fri3nd worthy,,, but still,,, th3 3 list3d abov3 hav3 b33n th3 most informativ3…

TT: Try as I might, I cannot seem to open your eyes, and dissuade you from your reliance on the obvious saboteurs.

TT: So, for now, I bid you good day. And be wary-the day I am proven right is soon to come.

AG: Ciao!

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering arbitratingGodkiller [AG]

Rubbing your eyes, you look back over the previous conversation and feel extremely depressed all of a sudden.

==- Hey, you alright?

Yeah, you're fine. But wow, talking with Rose has made you realize just how important your medication is for your continued mental stability. It really sucks whale barf that you have been too distracted today to take them. It's time to fix that! And quickly, before you do something stupid, like killing most of your friends in a chilling, rage filled path of death and honks.

==- Captchalouge that pipe.

You captchalouge your trusty STEEL PIPE, something no self respecting Silent Hill fan would be caught dead (Usually by Pyramid Head) without, into your Tune Modus. The card displays a picture of your cute rapper friend, Dave Strider. Huh. Well, it's a good thing you downloaded one of his raps this morning when you got up!

==- Quick, no time to explain!

Leaving your hallowed sanctuary, you do not move an inch after shutting the door with the utmost care. Looking around the rather lavishly decorated hallway, you can see knives stabbed firmly into the walls, haphazard as all Hell. Add in the loaded crossbows aimed right at you, it doesn't take a genius to realize just what is going on here.

==- You're a messy dude with even weirder design tastes?

Wow, you were close. But you don't get a cigar this time. This seemingly random assortment of weapons announces that your sister has returned home, and has once again decided to test your skills once again. With her agonizingly painful, not to mention deadly, huntress' booby traps.

==- Retrieve that pipe from earlier.

Setting your iPod to play at maximum volume (which on this thing, is REALLY shitty if you are not wearing ear buds) one of Mr. Strider's amazing raps. Satisfied, your fetch modus once again grants you access to your beloved pipe. Which you then proceed to throw as hard as you possibly can down the hallway. It doesn't even make it 8 inches before it falls to pieces, hitting the ground in many smaller pieces than that.

==- Wait, what the actual fuck?!

It isn't that hard to figure out, really. Your sis has attached her patented SOUL WIRES (able to cut through buildings and human beings, if you wield them right) to the handles of her knives, making a web-ish gauntlet of nearly invisible wires. Though at least 4 of those are probably set to trigger the crossbows if you fuck with them. And you would be willing to bet your left kidney that she included high powered EXPLOSIVES somewhere in this deadly mix of a test and deathtrap.

==- Holy wow…

Indeed. You've said it many times before, and you will surely say it many times again, but your older sister is a huge bitch!

AN- Wow. 1,124 words without either of the author's notes. That's officially the longest single chapter I have ever written or typed EVER! But, before you go, I need to discuss something with you.

If you've read the story, thank you. But if you've read the story, and have a suggestion as to what I should do next, or spot some kind of error somewhere, please feel free to message me. I'm open to suggestions and help, be it good or bad.

Which reminds me-REVIEW IT! Like I've said, good or bad, I do not care. So long as I know people are reading, I could not care less if the reviews are nothing but hatred. So long as I am not just practicing a skill that no one notices or cares enough about to say something, I do not care. I'm a very insecure person like that. Seriously-It will give me peace of mind, which is beneficial to the update frequency.

Anyway, see you on the next update!


	5. Chapter 4

AN-Ok, these updates are definitely going to get less frequent. I blame Pokémon…damn addictive little creatures… Well, that, and my short attention span… But, so long as I'm not reduced to a pile of smoldering ashes, I will not let this story die like the others!

==- Breaks over

Ok, now that we have accurately sized up the obstacle your dick of a sister set before you, it's time to deal with it. Shooting the knives out of the walls would remove the wire web, but then you'd be shot with crossbow bolts for the 367th time in your life. It's a good thing you learned medicine, because hospitals are out of the question. But, that aside, what are you going to do?

==- Whoa, what's wrong with you?

Are you trying to cough up a lung? You're going to want to…wait, is that your blood?!

==- OH DEAR GOD!

Why is your blood as black as a powerless computer screen?! You know what; you're on your own. I need to go make a LONG prayer to the white porcelain god…

==- Anders: Handle the narrative

You have no what that could possibly mean, but you would be more than happy to switch to a first-person view. Oh, wait, sorry, one of your voices has volunteered to narrate for now. Better luck next time.

==- Deploy the acid grenade!

Pulling off a sweet abscond back into your room, you pull an oddly shaped grenade from underneath your bed. It's the previously mentioned ACID GRENADE! Storing an ounce of corrosive acid specially designed to eat through the steel-compound your sister makes her wires out of; this thing will detonate and mist the hall outside, while you stay safely behind the door of your sanctuary!

==- What about the explosives?

No worries. You converted your closet into a bomb shelter years ago. It's not the first time your sis has done something like this. First time around, a normal person would've been paralyzed from the neck down. But not you. You're special…

==- Save your valuable shit!

Gathering every game cartridge and system you can find, you place them all in a box on your bookshelf, which you then captchalouge. Next, your posters, figurines, and laptop go in another box on your desk, which you've placed on your bed so you can captchalouge them all together. Finally-

==- Yeah, this is boring

As much as I MIGHT be impressed by how well you organize your sylladex, I'm just going to hit fast forward on this till we get somewhere important…

==- Later, on-

Crap, you're still on Earth. But hey, at least you've got your kernel ready to go. Wait, why is it flashing black and white? Eh, ask your friends; I need to visit my good friend, Captain Morgan :o)

==- Pester Dave

ArbitratingGodkiller [AG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG}

AG: Yo,,, Mr…Strid3r! Any luck g3tting into th3 gam3?

AG: B3caus3 it would b3 3v3r so lov3ly if you'''d h3lp m3 g3t in b3for3 th3 GIANT FUCKING SPAC3 ROCK CRUSH3S M3!

TG: dude shut the fuck up

TG: i got this shit

TG: get rose in that should help

AG: GYAGGH!

ArbitratingGodkiller [AG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Dealing with Dave…not a good idea right now. His ironic ways only make you angry. Besides, you managed to get Rose in age ago, away from a painful, fiery doom. Wait… THAT'S IT!

==- Pester Sollux

ArbitratingGodkiller [AG] began pestering twinArmaggedons [TA]

AG: Sol,,, I n33d you to do m3 a hug3 favor!

TA: what?

AG: I n33d th3 cod3 for a tot3m lath3…

AG: Dav3,,,s too '''busy''' to d3ploy it for m3,,, and I hav3…

AG: 3 minut3s b3for3 D3ATH!

TA: 4naIt00Z

AG: THANK YOU!

ArbitratingGodkiller [AG] ceased pestering twinArmaggedons [TA]

==-[S] Anders: Proceed

(Note-Since this is the equivalent of a Flash page, the narrative style will be different from normal.)

Dawn, 4/13/09 2:56 left -Anders-

'Make your way to the Alchemiter.' A simple task, really.

Not with a crazy bitch in my way.

"Move!" I shout, trying to scare Lillianne away. It didn't work. It never works.

Dawn, 4/13/09 2:40 left –Lillianne-

My brother had gotten stronger-none of his contacts could hide that spark in his eyes.

But it was a warm glimmer, a hopeful light. Disappointing…

"I had hoped by now you would have begun your path to becoming a lord of demons, but now I see that was a wasted effort."

Dawn, 4/13/09 2:10 left –Anders-

It always comes to this. No matter what, it always ends with blood on the ground.

It's always mine.

==- Wake up

Welcome to the Land of Shadows and Palaces.

==- What happened?

Your Troll friends could probably answer that better than I can.

==- Answer the Troll

carcinoGeneticist [CG]began trolling arbitratingGodkiller [AG]

CG: WOW THAT WAS FUCKING EMBARASSING TO WATCH.

AG: Gr3at,,, now 3v3n my mat3sprit'''s going to mock m3?

AG: Fan friggin tastic…

CG: WHAT, NO! I'M GENUINELY FUCKING CONCERNED FOR YOUR SORRY ASS.

CG: YOU'VE GOT SHIT TO DO, AND A PROMISE TO KEEP. AND AS YOUR GOD, I ORDER YOU TO GET OFF YOUR PATHETIC LAZY ASS, PULL YOUR GOGDAMN HEAD OUT OF YOUR NOOK, AND GET TO WORK!

AG: H3h3h3… I can always r3ly on you to g3t m3 out of a bad mood,,, Karkat…

AG: I just hav3 on3 qu3stion…

CG: I'LL ALLOW IT.

AG: How in th3 3v3rloving fuck did I g3t into th3 M3dium?

AG: I r3m3mb3r Lilliann3 knocking m3 out,,, but that'''s about it…

CG: ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? YOUR GUARDIAN LUSUS DID. AFTER KNOCKING YOU OUT WITH A SWIFT KICK TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD, SHE TOOK YOUR PHONE TO YOUR ALCHEMITER.

CG: USING A CODE I CAN ONLY GUESS YOU ACCQUIRED FROM SOLLUX, SHE UPGRADED THE DAMN THING ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR ENTRY ITEM-A LANTERN. ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS LIGHT THE THING, AND WELL…HERE YOU ARE.

AG: W3ll,,, at l3ast sh3 was good for-WAIT! I forgot to prototyp3 som3thing! Fuck!

CG: AGAIN, DON'T WORRY. SHE THREW IN SOME HUGE ASS SWORD SHE PULLED OUT OF YOUR SYLLADEX BEFORE LIGHTING YOUR ARTIFACT.

AG: Oh my god…

==- Check sylladex

AG: Sh3 prototyp3d my damn Masamun3!

AG: It took m3 for-friggin 3v3r to forg3 that just right!

CG: WOAH MAN, JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN. YOU CAN-

AG: No,,, fuck calming down! I'''m going to fucking show h3r h3r own damn spl33n!

CG: YEAH, I'M JUST GOING TO GO NOW. WHEN YOU FINALLY GET YOUR THINK PAN CLEARED, MESSAGE ME.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arbitratingGodkiller [AG]

==- Find something to beat down.

Well, that was a nice distraction. But now's the time for exploration! Let's see what kind of shit we're dealing with here.

Towers, towers everywhere! You've never seen such tall buildings in your entire life! If you look high enough, you can see that some of the buildings are floating in the sky, without any means of levitation. It's kind of hard to see on the ground levels, though. Hell, you can barely see two inches in front of your face, it's so dark.

AN-Yeah, gonna stop it there for now. If you want the music from the pseudo-Flash page, PM me. Thanks for reading, see you next time!


End file.
